taking control

A few years ago I went to therapy. It was for a multitude of things but mostly just because I felt as though I was losing control of my own life. Through this, I learned that I don’t say what I think or mean or want to say because I am afraid of the repercussions. I keep everything balled up inside of me and eventually become resentful and angry. This is most apparent in relationships. My therapist called it the “little pink elephant”. She said I knew it was there and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so it just got bigger and bigger until I dealt with it (normally by crying about something irrational and completely unrelated). 

I decided that I wanted to get an elephant tattooed on me so I wouldn’t forget to deal with my feelings. It turned into something much larger than initially planned but it also evolved into a more solid idea. No matter how large the issue, it was never something that I couldn’t deal with or handle. 

For the past two years I’ve handled almost every situation I’ve had to deal with with this philosophy in mind. I speak my mind, I don’t hold in my feelings for fear of the consequences (except in some work situations) and generally I’ve just been better at dealing with life. But now I’m in a relationship. And the feelings of fear and doubt are creeping in. And I don’t always speak my mind. I’m afraid to lose but by doing that, I realize I am losing. I’m shutting down a part of me. Which I refuse to do. I am stronger than I realize. If I need to look at my elephant to remind me of this then I will. But I’m not going to lose out on something this good because I doubt myself. I should never doubt myself. Cause I’m pretty awesome.